All Glory to the Internets: Vintage Racism

I was reminded of this awesomely bad Jell-o advertisement yesterday when locating the "ancient Chinese secret" ad on youtube.

Adventures in Chinglish

Today's entry is a three-for!

 

Heehee!

Okay, really, this is probably just a wonky translation of "streaky bacon," which is the British name for our cut of bacon. Still funny though :)

 

This is a chain. You think they could do a little better than translating out a poorly spelled innuendo.

Jackie Chan Approved Hair Tonic

Not too long ago (Halloween according to the jack-o-lantern in the photo, although it was Goodwill, so maybe not?) Scott and I were in Goodwill when we came across this:

"Anti-hair Fall Shampoo"

The back of the package reads, "The Ba Wang Anti-hair Fall Shampoo combines Ancient Chinese wisdom with modern pharmacological and biotechnology to bring optimum hair care results to the user."

I was tickled to notice this on sale for Spring Festival [aka: Chinese New Year] in the grocery store a few days ago:

Bet you didn't know that's how Jackie Chan maintains his lush head of hair!

In related news [because my Ma has not seen it, and because the bit about "Ancient Chinese wisdom" totally reminds me of it] please enjoy this ridiculous, classic commercial:

In which I fail at bargaining... because of something that slipped Tiffany's mind :)

 This is a "modern" rickshaw. The city recently made the old school kind illegal, in order to promote modernity :P .

Usually, before I get in a rickshaw, I bargain a price with the driver. Tiffany, however, is cool with paying a little more (she calls it the "foreigner tax") in order to not have to bargain. This evening, when we took a rickshaw to get coffee, I attempted to pay the driver ¥4, but he demanded ¥5 and when I wouldn't budge---it wasn't a ¥5 trip!---he got really angry. So did I. We stood there, shouting at each other in our own languages, until I finally, bitterly coughed up the extra yuan and told him he sucked.
I was perplexed, because, as the Chinese will tell you, they love to bargain, and this guy totally wouldn't. It wasn't until our trip back that Tiffany remembered: when we got in, the driver told her it would be ¥5, and she agreed!!!!!!! I laughed sooo hard! I'll bet that guy never picks up foreigners again.

Children's Vocabulary Books

I bought several of these super fun photo-vocab books from the grocery store:

The smaller ones have lenticular covers, so they don't photograph well.

While they are mostly awesome, the content is sometimes funny, and occasionally. Let's take a look!!

What the heck is she wearing??

  

 

Besides the obvious Pepsi / Coke joke, this one's odd, because they don't say "coke," they say "cola," and the Chinese term is even pronounced /cola/!

 Heh-heh-heh: Oh! how deplorable, to be the ignoble Lesser Panda!

 Not exaaactly...

 Why on earth does the grandmother look so cranky?

That dad is way too happy about the beat-down he is apparently preparing to deliver.

Drafting compass was in two different books (although in one it isn't translated properly, as you can see). To include something so specialized is kind of random.

An abacus? How is that at all relevant?

It's a cross-cultural sentiment: no one likes clowns!

 

Hahaha! That's not a word!!

Out of the jillion stock photos of people sleeping, they chose one with children who are clearly not sleeping?!

Ouch, so close! 

I checked: the photo's wrong, not the translation. Incidentally, the literal translation of "skunk" is "smelly weasel" :D .

Government Banquet Shenanigans

Last week I attended a banquet put on by the city government, for the resident foreigners.
 
The Chinese LOOOVE to toast. They do it all. the. time. at dinners. And since it's China, where everything is more complicated than necessary, there're conventions to follow, too.

• You're supposed to stand while toasting. 
• You're supposed to drink the entire glass in one swallow. [Their wine glasses are smaller than our standard ones.] 
• And, when two glasses touch, the rim of your glass should be lower than the other person's, as a sign of respect. Whenever I remember (which, honestly, isn't often), I've resorted to just grabbing onto the other person's wrist and holding it steady in order to get my rim lower and avoid a lowest-rim battle.

Behold! My goblet of yogurt! (Tiffany says most men begin banquets with yogurt, to prepare their guts for the alcohol onslaught. I was sick, and had been avoiding dairy, but I thought better safe than sorry.)

It was pretty uninteresting for a while: important officials, bad karaoke, unappetizing food, and no one to talk to (I ended up at the head table because of my supervisor's clout). But then it picked up real quick, thanks to a lot of baiju and a man I'll call Batman:

An awkward self-shot photo of me and the Chinese Caped Crusader. And a bored Indian guy.

In China, red wine is "red wine," our white wine is "yellow wine," and their "white wine" is this foul grain alcohol called baijiu (literally, "white wine"). Drinking baijiu is a popular and "masculine" activity. Because of this, a guy is applauded when he can hold his liquor, and isn't judged when he overdrinks. Seriously, they drink this stuff over business meetings, and they drink a lot of it.

So, back to the Dark Knight. I should have guessed something was up when he first approached me and convinced me to accept a glass of baijiu (I did want to try it) by insisting that I "drank it the last time we met, on a train in Shanghai." He came by again later to inquire, "I want to know why: Why don't you love me anymore?" Immediately after his third and more overt pass by my seat, Tiffany fetched me to "use the restroom," where she informed me, "That guy? Batman? He just propositioned me!! He is so smashed!" At that point it clicked. One right after the other he'd hit on us both, saying, "I think you and me should go out, and dance and drink. You need to call me, so we can go out together." Tiffany was able to laugh him off, but after losing out to her, I think he got a little more resolved, because he didn't let me do the same, and I ended up saying, "Oh totally!" :D . We left soon after that, but not before he made sure we had our photo opp, and definitely not before my coat zipper got stuck (pretty much over my crotch) and, like a good oblivious drunk guy, he went right in for it and came awful close to accidentally [seriously, he wasn't with it enough to do anything intentionally] molesting me as I stood there laughing uncontrollably.

But that wasn't the only highlight of the night. There was also this:

Pictured, center: the highest ranking official (present) and main host of the dinner

The comb-over reigns supreme among China's balding male population, and this man's was...just...there are no words. I never did get a good photo of it, but I tried. I took several surreptitious photos over the course of the evening, and finally, when I knew things were wrapping up, decided to go for broke and shoot straight on. This move earned the attention of an English-speaking neighbor, who innocently asked what I was doing. "Uh...oh, you know, taking photos of Mr. Government Guy to show my family back home."
That smooth response got me this:

"Well why don't you go up and I'll take a photo of both of you!" All because of his bad hairdo.

And that ridiculous Asian-photograph-stereotype peace-sign thing? I've totally caught myself mimicking that more than once :D .

Adventures in [Not Strictly] Chinglish

Today's entries aren't exactly Chinglish, more just amusing.

I thought "Numbed and Hot Flavor" was Chinglish, but then when I translated the Chinese characters, I got back "numbing spicy." Which means either it's a literal translation of the degree of spicy which we usually describe using some variation on "fire," or, there isn't really a solid English translation for the concept, no matter what the dictionary says.

 This is just an honest typo by someone whose first language is not English. For the reverse and a good laugh, see this site that Anne once showed me: Hanzi Smatter

You kind of have to read the whole thing for context, but it's the last sentence that kills me :) . This is from a school text book, but I'm pretty sure it's written by someone whose first language is not English because while the statement is technically correct, it's just not really colloquially correct...

The Art of Potato Chip Flavors

Perhaps, Dear Reader, you recall that when was in England, I encountered the popularity of meat flavored potato chips. Well, if my two-nation travels are any indication [Steph, seriously ask Rachel about potato chips in Spain, okay?], US potato chip consumers have just about the least creative taste buds ever. Because look what I ran across in the grocery store yesterday:
 

Bleh!!! I retract my objection to meaty potato chips---these are much less appetizing!

It did get better:

I'm actually kind of interested in trying these. You know, after I finally get paid and have money to potentially waste.

But then it got far, far worse:

Really? Really?!?! How can this be good?!

Just one more post about it :)

My Aunt Em forwarded me an interesting response to Amy Chau (whom I previously mentioned here, and here) written by David Brooks, Amy Chau Is a Wimp, which is short and worth your time if the fervor hasn't burnt you out yet.

Learning Chinese: Reading vs Speaking

Being able to read Chinese gives me zero advantages when it comes to speaking the language. With English, and other languages that use alphabets, if you can visually comprehend a word, and you know some of the language's phonemes, you can usually make a stab at sounding out, and thus saying, the word. You know, words like "through," or "facade" or "bureaucracy" aside. Even Korean works this way. But with a Chinese character it's pretty much that either you know the associated sound-word, or you don't.

But as with both language in general, and China specifically, things are never that simple. Which brings me to this: 拿铁. I was researching a couple of characters on a take-away menu from the local department store's coffee shop, and I ran across this: 拿铁. Looking them up separately (because of the whole no-spaces-between-words thing, I can't really identify compound-character words unless I already know them) yielded this literal translation: "to catch [the element] iron." More than a little confused, I looked them up together, and you know what 拿铁 is? "Latte"! As in, what you order at Starbucks! Can you guess why "to catch iron" also means "latte"?

The answer is after the jump.

I'm a regular Little House on the Prairie!

The water in my apartment hasn't run for two days (for whatever reason---I suspect the bill wasn't paid scratch that: it's because the pipes are frozen) so I had to go over to the school, fill my kettle and a large tupperware-thing in the bathroom sink, and then lug the water back and pour it into the toilet tank, just to flush the toilet. Old school!

Speaking of water (because I don't like to post without a pic), here's a photo of one of the many sewage canals:

 The unnecessary sign reads, "Fishing is strictly forbidden."

All Glory to the Internets: [snicker]

Courtesy of Cracked, "6 Error Messages that Would Save Time"

My Name in Chinese

切尔西万

This is my name in Chinese. "切尔西" is the phonetic translation of "Chelsea"; the literal translation of the Chinese characters is gibberish. "万" however, which is a phonetic translation of my last name, means "ten thousand." 

Also, something interesting: although the Chinese use Western punctuation in their writing, they don't put spaces between words.

Impulse-Isle Condoms

This is super amusing. My hypothesis is that its due to the Chinese culture's complete lack of personal privacy, and also because of the One Child policy. However, just 'cause safe/responsible sex is totally kosher does not mean sex before marriage is. That's still a serious social no-no here.

"In Portland you can put a bird on something and just call it art!"

This cracks me up:

Portlandia

The conversation the hide-and-seek player has with the old lady at 17:35 is hi--wait for it--larious!!!

Dude! Wolverhampton got a shout-out on "Psych"!

It's the most culturally-significant thing to happen to it since Eric Idle became someone.

S04E11

A Quality Emotional & Academic Response to that HORRIBLE Mother

You know that article on "Chinese"-style parenting that made me furious? (No? Then go read it!! [Also, where have you been the last few days? Mars? China? Because it's apparently big news over there...]) Well, the author made a headliner tab on Slate today, and in the comments someone posted this very excellent response blogged by a community college professor: It would be funny if it weren't so deadly: why Amy Chua has blood on her hands. I particularly like how the author references the "model minority" concept, which Chau deftly avoids mentioning, even though her piece is a flagrant homage to it.

[shudder]

I do not appreciate being able to look animal food in the face, especially if it is a living, breathing face. I realize the "distance" between us and our food is at the root of a lot of societal/environmental/etc. issues, but since I put effort into being on top of meat consumption matters, I am pretty okay with this particular white, suburban, affectation of mine. Yesterday was the first and last time I will willingly walk through the live food section of the grocery store:

Doing okay: 'It's only shrimp and fish...'

Really? People eat goldfish? Like...as an appetizer or something?

A little more uncomfortable, but still okay: toads are victims of the Bigger ≠ Cuter law of the universe. 

Also, snails; bleh.

'Aaaaand, that's the end of that---I'm out of here.' Those are turtles in the top cases. Turtles trying to escape.

In unrelated news, here's a not-very-good photo of me hand-wrestling with the cute, rambunctious kitten that lives at a local coffee shop:

Well congratulations on raising extraordinary, soulless robots incapable of creativity or self-thought!

A colleague forwarded me this article, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. If it is indeed real as I suspect (versus being satire), it makes me SOOOOO ANGRY that I experience, like, a hemorrhage of furious responses, so I don't even know where to start.

The Reddit comments are pretty sound.

In which I piss off an old lady at my apartment complex

While everyone else was still going strong, I left the party just after midnight on New Year's Eve. I was buzzed, but not drunk because I'm old, and partying hard is like this:

I cut that video myself with new software!

So anyway, when I got home, the gates to my apartment complex were shut. 7 foot tall, metal gates:

 from the inside of the complex

So I thought, 'Huh. Okay, whatever: I'll just climb over.' It took me two tries, and I made a lot of noise (flat, metal, gate doors...), but I managed to hoist myself up. And as I moved into a sitting position in order to smoothly jump down, the lights came on in that building on the right, which evidently is a gate keeper's office. This old lady with a cane appeared, glared in response to my merry "Ni hao!" and proceeded to show me the external doorway I apparently could have used. But like I said, I was buzzed, so I just stayed sitting on the gate and laughed at her and the situation. After a few seconds of personal amusement, I ended up pulling out my keys and jumping down to wave them at her, because I felt the situation warranted some proof that I was a legitimate resident, and really, I couldn't think of anything better to do. Then I continued on to my apartment :D .

The Unhelpful Helpful Clerk

About twice a week I go to the bulk sweets section of the grocery store to get White Rabbit candy, which I love, but which has been impossible to find since the recall. Yesterday when I went to buy my weekend supply, this old lady clerk apparently decided I needed help, and she started putting handfuls of candy into my bag. Including red bean, which I did not want (but which, after eating--because I wasn't going to waste them--is growing on a me as a flavor). So that was fun...

Adventures in Chinglish

Apartment Treasure

The best part about my apartment is digging out fun junk that previous occupants have forgotten or abandoned. Here are a few of the best things:

I found this ripped up in a desk drawer.

From behind a dresser. I actually love this show!

My favorite! It was inside a superfluous cardboard box.

Adventures in Chinglish

Woot! Chinese Candy!

I found these in the bulk candy section today:

yeck!

But I also found these:

They were pretty tasty---like sweet, vanilla black tea.

Adventures in [Not Strictly] Chinglish

Not technically Chinglish, but still amusing.

White People Celebrating New Year's Eve in China

Chinese people don't really celebrate our New Year's Eve, so the only Chinese people at this bar The Foreigners ended up at were significant others. And Mr. Tang---I still haven't figured out how he fits into the group :) .

 

Scott hugging Mr. Tang after Mr. Tang insisted they were not "comrades," because he, like a good socially-conservative Chinese man, does not like comrades. The old school word for "comrade" is the same, modern word for homosexual :D .

 Tiffany and Scott are married; they're from Kansas. In an attempt to get me to smile nice, Scott suggested an image for me to think of that I did not appreciate.

 This was in a showcase in the bar. The price tag says ¥368.00, which is like, $55.00, so, you know, if the prices on the Louis Vuitton site are any indication, this is a definite knock-off.

You can drink on the streets in China! And as a passenger in the cars. I brought along a beer to get photo of me in a taxi:

I AM NOT DRUNK I AM NOT DRUNK I AM NOT DRUNK I AM NOT DRUNK

I feel it necessary to emphasize my sobriety because as we were trying to get a nice photo ["No, that won't work---I want Christmas card quality!"] we realized exactly how hard it is to take a close proximity picture of someone drinking that doesn't make them look sloshed.