CONGRATULATIONS TO IAN!!!

This has nothing to do with China, but I'm SO excited: my friend Ian Chant [Figure A], who's a journalist, and who is responsible for me meeting Ira Glass [Figure B], just got an internship with Science Friday!!!!! Since several of you are NPR listeners, I now charge you with keeping your ears open for his name! Ian, you're going to rock their socks off!!


He's got a lot of published stuff out there, but in keeping with the science/radio theme, I'm embedding the two space-related podcasts he's done. They're quick, interesting, amusing, and you should absolutely listen to them!!

Outer Space is for Everyone - Episode 1 (moon resources proprietorship)

 Episode 2 - New Life in Mono Lake... Maybe?

ALSO, here's the link to a general science podcast of his that's more than worth your time: It's Alive - Episode 2

Figure A: Ian humoring me by shaking hands with a dinosaur at the Oregon Zoo.

Figure B: Y'all see this every time you're on my facebook page, but I love it so much!!

Bet You Didn't Know Carlo Rossi Is A Luxury Item

¥104 is about $15.

[snicker]

"Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun!"

Brownie Points if you can identify the title of this post without using the internets.

It's been getting warm around here. Only a mornings days ago, when I went into the office, the day was clear and sunny. When I peaked out the window at the end of the day, everything had changed to look like this:

Can you guess what that is? Because I had no idea.
Answer after the jump...

And you get a pen! And you get a pen! And you get a pen! You're all getting PENS!!!!!!!!

Perhaps, Dear Reader, you are one of those people in my life who might expect a gift upon my return. Some amusing quaint or peculiar trinket to demonstrate my everlasting affection.

That has proved to be an unexpected problem for me. "Things" in China appear to fall into one of four categories:
1. "I can get that in the States."
2. "Gosh damn it! Is it really necessary to slap an ugly cartoon character on everything?!"
3. "That looks special/unique/rare, but I'll eat my hat if it really is."
4. "Why would someone want to own that?"

There is one area, however, in which Chinese manufacturers run laps around the US, and that is in entertaining stationery supplies. You name a theme, I could probably find a journal/sticky-note/writing instrument/white-out container/folder that pays homage to it. So guess what? You're all getting pens!!!

(Some of you are getting mechanical pencils.)

I know it doesn't sound like much of a gift, but hear me out:
1. A pen is better than something you could have bought for yourself at Fred Meyer. ["Made in China," anyone?]
2. A pen is better than nothing, which is what I was really worried I'd end up coming back with.
3. A pen is useful. It won't collect dust or end up in a closet.
4. I can't just get these in the grocery store. I am having a great deal of fun visiting every dingy stationary shop and stall looking for pens I think will amuse certain people.
5. In the process of procuring these pens, I have been ripped-off on your behalf, several times :) .
6. We're not talking generic Bics here, these are themed and/or decorated pens.
7. I'm not just grabbing a bunch of pens to hand out randomly. I'm choosing specific designs for specific people. For example:

For Christel, who loves marine biology: an otter pen.

For Rhiannon, whose cat Bubbles is white, who probably has a skull bandanna somewhere around the house, and who, like all decent people, detests hipsters: a pen with a white cat, wearing a skull bandanna and some awesome hipster glasses. 

(Also, this cat is "Hello Jetoy," not "Hello Kitty." You've probably never heard of her.)

Those two are all I'm going to post. I want them to be a nice surprise (though, maybe not a good surprise). Also, round pens are wicked hard to photograph- you can see in the cat-pen photo, I had to take two pics from different angles, and then tediously merge them together.

You have now been warned :D

Fool me once- 'These are weird'; fool me twice- 'Aw damn!'; fool me three times- 'What the hell man?!'

I only wanted some dried fruit!

I haven't been super adventurous in the grocery store because I don't want to waste money, and I don't want to waste food. But since I've started collecting a paycheck (and stopped having to put that paycheck toward supplies) I thought I'd sample the vast array of dried fruits available.

I started with Chinese bayberries, also called wax berries.

They were pretty unpleasant: they'd been soaked in some kind of wretched indescribable flavoring, like licorice and cinnamon. And they had pits. I had to chew/suck the fruit off. The fruit itself had a grainy texture which I actually liked, but not enough to overcome the gross taste. I tossed them.

---

A few days ago I was once again looking through the dried fruit options when I saw dried peaches. I LOVE dried peaches, so I snatched them up. I didn't read the ingredients because, why would I?

Answer? Because there's cayenne pepper powder on them. They weren't awful, but they weren't good either, because they weren't what I wanted. They still aren't.

---

Take Three.

Plums are extremely popular around here. Thus, if one desires dried/preserved plums, one can obtain them in a multitude of varieties. I chose some that had a good color, and looked dry (I like my dried fruit to be dry, rather than the more juicy kind). Also, they were small, so I figured they'd been pitted.

 

As with the peaches, I didn't bother to read the ingredients. They looked harmless enough. My trust was repaid with perverse contempt. They rank among one of most disgusting things I've eaten here. Someone who likes licorice and evil might enjoy them, but oh-dear-god I do not and did not! And to add insult to injury, they weren't even pitted!


Why Aberrant Fruit Deity? Why?!

You know what it says under Ingredients on the raisins I buy? "Grapes." Because that's all it should say!
Seriously, it even says it in English, which is uncommon. [So, technically, it says "Grape."]

The information department was kind enough to make sure a few helpful tips were included as well!

Oh yeah, I'm a giant here.

Any clothing I wish to purchase must be available in either L or XL, or I'm out of luck. I don't even know about shoes, but there's a pair of sneakers I'm eyeing and I don't think I'll be walking away in them...

Speaking of fashion, check out the hideous overalls styling that's popping up all over town:

 

[If you like these, let me know, and I'll gladly change my commentary to something less abrasive :) ]

Adventures in Chinglish

Take a good look at this finger-trap trick gum. Maybe even enlarge the photo.

What. The. Heck?!?! See, the thing about Chinglish is that even with the really odd stuff, you can usually comprehend what the person responsible was going for. But this? How did they end up with this?!

They wouldn't let me buy them individually, and I wasn't about to buy an entire lot of 30, poorly-made, prank Cock Mints. [Sorry Bud.]

Mentos

I initially took this photo because the phrase "Chewy Dragees" caught my eye. 'Dragees? Silly China: that's not a word!' Except that it totally is.

So this isn't really a Chinglish entry, but I'm still posting the photo because I like that the box specifies "For China." I have absolutely no clue as to why that clarification needs to be made. In English, too...

清明节 / Qing Ming Jie / Tomb Sweeping Day

There's a park a block from my house with a tetanus-promising amusement rides, a concrete zoo that several of my students described as a prison, a dubious bonsai garden, a monument to the martyrs of the Chinese revolution, and the tombs/graves of said soldiers.

On Monday my friend Stuart and I paid the ¥3 to get in and visit the tombs for Qing Ming Festival, a memorial day for the dead. ["Qing Ming" (which is pronounced /ching-ming/) translates to "Tomb Sweeping Day."]

First we saw the tall bonsai trees:

Then we went to the grave site:

Those crazy round things are tombs.

To honor the dead, they burn metaphorical money or other things the dead might appreciate in the afterlife. Fake money is available, but it doesn't have Mao's face on it because burning his face is illegal.

 Don't you know a half-burnt bill won't get to heaven? Way to screw your ancestors...

I was taking photos (while Stuart hovered nearby and pretended not to know the tacky tourist laowai) of a family burning paper in the distance:

Then this guy knelt down right in front of me and started rolling up paper that Stuart says represents money.

Afterward, I went and played cards with other foreigners until I threw up, an activity that, thanks to my health-code-pampered guts, is not at all abnormal :P .

All Glory to the Internets: 干

Ahahahaha! Scroll down to #1 of this Cracked list: 6 Mistranslations that Changed the World. I haven't witnessed this personally, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Also, it doesn't matter too much, but FYI, the writer doesn't get the concept of pin-yin correct: pin-yin is just a way to write Chinese in roman letters. It's kind of a phonetic translation, except not really for English speakers because the letter-sound combinations don't match our own well. An "i" at the end of a syllable is often pronounced /er/, so the syllable "shi" is pronounced like the word "sure."

Durians are in season...

...and, oh boy, are they NOT kidding about the smell. There aren't too many things available in China that aren't available back home, but just like the blah pepino melon and the rancid stinky tofu, the foul durian demonstrates that there just might be a reason these things are absent from our Pacific Northwest grocery stores.

On the left end of the crates are individual sections of durian. Each small (you can see the oranges & lemons nearby for size comparison) plastic-wrapped section is about ¥20, which is expensive considering I can get a whole, HUGE papaya for half that.

Unlike stinky tofu, I am planning on working through the stench of rotting flesh in order to taste the durian, for no reason other than that I'm curious: according to the Grand Master of All Internet Knowledge, Wikipedia, the acceptability of the flavor is up for debate, and I always like me a good debate. But I'm waiting for the weather to warm up to the point that I can open windows, because I don't know whether the smell is prone to lingering, and I don't want to face the possibility of dwelling in a durian-scented house for any period of time.

Safety First

On Monday I woke up to the school testing it's emergency alarm system. Only it didn't sound like a US school's alarm, it sounded like this:

That's right. Their emergency alarm is an air raid siren. I decided there wasn't an actual problem because the neighbors were going about business, but it was still really weird.


With that event in my mind, I thought I'd also post the photos I took of the following two emergency vehicles:

This is what a Chinese ambulance looks like. I know that, because even though it looks like a gussied-up van, it is labeled "Ambulance."

Super ghetto police car. 

Fancy, new-model cars exist (although I don't have a photo just now), so I wonder what it means for a police officer to have to drive one of these. Maybe it's a punishment or something?

The Pepino Melon: A Gross Fruit, an Acceptable Vegetable

This is a pepino melon:

The yuan it is next to is the same size as a quarter (which is the same size as a 2-pence, for my British friends). 

I bought it from the fruit section of the grocery store. It tasted like a green bean, and had the texture of an old tomato. So... as a fruit it was unpleasant, but I could see it being a decent salad vegetable. Not, however, something I would go out of my way to purchase again.

Dude, not cool.

All Glory to the Internets: TED - English Mania

I thought this was interesting, and would love to hear your thoughts! (It's only, like, 4 1/2 minutes.)

All Glory to the Internets: Cracked Roundup, China Edition

Here are some of Cracked's best China-related articles:

5 Examples of Americans Thinking Foreign People Are Magic
[I LOVE this one! It's largely about Chinese culture, although other non-white cultures are noted.]

The 6 Worst Parts of Being Chinese (Not in the Stereotypes)
[The author is, in fact, Chinese.]

7 Things from America that Are Insanely Popular Overseas, #7 & #2
[I can't confirm #7, but I have definnitely run into #2. My theory is that the Garfield movies are so popular because they're not funny, therefore you don't have to deal with the whole humor-doesn't-translate issue.]

5 Reasons Parenting Is One Place We Shouldn't Imitate China
[I do not have any commentary for this one.]

Surfing the Internet in China after the Google Conflict (results of a fill-in-the-blank comic contest)
[#2 is animated, so make sure you see both "views."]

5 Government Programs that Backfired Horrifically, #1
[a brief overview of The Great Famine]
The 5 Most Shockingly Insane Modern Dictators, #1
[an equally-brief summation of Mao's follow-up performance, the Cultural Revolution]

Unrelated Chinese child who would not stop following me one day, and would not stop talking to me in Chinese.

The Claw in China

Oh look, a claw machine:

Wait... what?!

And here's another:

Korean Chopsticks Are Superior

This is Anita. Anita gives Chinese lessons to the foreigners in Yancheng. Her English is excellent, and she speaks Korean, as well. She's also an unmarried mother, due to have a baby in two weeks. Today she told me that being an unmarried mother is not exactly legal. (I didn't ask, but I got the impression that she might have to pay fines [re: paying off the government to leave her alone].)

We went to a real Korean restaurant she enjoys, and I had a chance to use Korean chopsticks: they're thinner and a little shorter than Chinese chopsticks, taper significantly at the tips, and are made of metal. All the foreigners complain about how hard they are to use, so I was a bit concerned, but my fears---and their complaints---were unfounded. The Koreans TOTALLY know what they're doing! My biggest problem with chopsticks is that I can't get a good grip on them. Ever! The wooden ones provide more surface resistance than the plastic ones, but either way, they're always slipping in my fingers, making the tricky process of snatching food that much more exasperating. Metal, on the other hand, appears to provide friction between the chopsticks and my hand, because I all of a sudden I could eat without spilling all over myself, the table, and the floor. Also, a spoon is used with the chopsticks, which allows for even more control over my food.

The food was awesome!

In conclusion, I would like to state that I wish I could punch Korea in the face for rejecting me and thus denying me their wonderful food and more adequate eating utensils.

Boats Boats Boats!

This post is for my grandmother.
It will probably be uninteresting to the rest of you, so I recommend you scroll down to the 6th - 9th photos and then click back over to Facebook. [You know you want to :) ]

One day when the sun was out, I walked up the street to the river, and stood on the bridge taking photos of the industrial nautical activity.

Gran, you can click on the photos to see them in large detail.

The looongest tug boat ever!

I'm pretty sure these people were on an air mattress.

If you click on the photo to enlarge it, you can see that he's using a snow shovel to paddle.

I thought they were out for a hilarious joy-ride, but it turns out they had a goal in mind.

There was a child on that mattress! He's the black line between the woman on the raft, and the guy on the boat. (Enlarge it to see.)

Okay, back to more boats!

Chinese Knock-Offs & Trademark Infringement II

It's time for another round of Chinese knock-offs and trademark infringement!

Starbucks logo

This one's an outright rip-off. No "Starbugs" or nothing.

Arm & Hammer

Harry Potter font

Paul Frank's Julius

For those of you who don't know, Julius (not "Jutius") is a monkey (not a "mong") character by designer, Paul Frank. Perhaps you have seen my awesome blue t-shirt with the monkey with braces, like the one below?

 

Tinky-Winky

And you thought teletubbies were weird before. Check this out!